9 Types of Girlfriends
Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn't have!". Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main Squeeze, Doormat. Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly. Disadvantages: May wise up someday
Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??". Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell. Advantages: Pays attention to you. Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite." Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy. Advantages: Predictable. Disadvantages: Contagious
The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look." Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, Yes Mom. Advantages: Often right. Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?" Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey. Advantages: Easily soothed. Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun." Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out. Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys. Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at." Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly. Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you. Disadvantages: You will have no friends
Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship." Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic. Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable. Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud
Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now!" Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous. Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you